5 posts from August 2006

I like words like piehole and cornhole and phrases like "punch you in the asshole". Pretty much anything that ends in hole is a winner with me.

Salerno Butter Cookies. We wear the butter cookies as a ring, thanks, Salerno, for starting this thing.

Salerno Breakfast Treats. That luscious S with its crumbly goodness.

If Pluto is no more, what will Mary's Velvet Eyes Make John Sit Up Nights doing?

I guess he'll just Sit Up Nights. Like a stalker.

My husband and I are going on a cruise in February. It will be our first cruise, so I just booked a 4 day cruise around Cozumel and Progreso. I plan on doing the following:

eating, swimming, working out [lightly], eating, watching the shows, hitting the casino, eating, swimming, sleeping, eating, shopping a bit, eating, swimming

I need to lose weight because I don't want to be the fat chick on the cruise boat with the skinny husband. Sometimes I think girls look at us and think, "How the hell did he end up with her?"

Then I start thinking what if we didn't have thumbs? How would the world be different with no thumbs? Cabinets wouldn't have handles. We may not even have cabinets! My cat has thumbs. Cat's with thumbs are useless because they can only open things that interest them like the drawer with all of the cat toys in it and the bathroom cabinet so he can lay on the towels. Sure he can hold a pen, but he doesn't know his alphabet! What if the alphabet was all squiggles? But then, isn't it just squiggles that we recognize as letters? I want pizza.

It started off innocently enough, last night did. After we had an early dinner I wanted to go have a couple beers with Chuck. He wanted to go to The Icehouse, a local yokel place that I had no desire to visit. I suggested The Piano Bar and off we went. When we walked in it was practically pitch black and nice and cool, like a basement should be. We wandered around the heavy wood tables and couches and over-sized chairs before finally sitting at the bar.

Faced with all of those beautifully twinkling bottles of alcohol, I started off with an Amaretto Sour. Chuck took the Bud Light route. We watched some golf. It was so quiet and cool - we were the only ones there. Another couple came in. I had a Manhattan. Did you know that a Manhattan is not a nice drink? It is composed of bourbon and some other dark liquor that reminded me of sneaking drinks from the alcohol cabinet when I was a teen. I choked that down and followed it with a Double Raspberry Martini. We listened to the bartender make small talk with a regular. I had another Amaretto Sour. I had a Chocolate Martini. Another regular came in and started chatting. He bought a bottle of champagne and insisted we drink it with him. I had an Apple Martini. I had another Amaretto Sour. Chuck switched from Bud Light to Jack & Coke. The man kept buying us drinks. He is going to a cruise to Jamaica on the 5th and wanted to buy us tickets to come along. I was all for it, Chuck could not be swayed. The man made us drink shots called Sicilian Death. He reminded me of Anthony Bourdain with bad teeth and a sad face. This man has too much money. We left a little later and the place was so crowded I almost had to crawl to get out.

I woke up with a headache, of course. And I'm not going to Jamaica, because real life dictates that people don't go off with strangers on fully funded cruises. Today my mouth tasted like I liked some plant roots and I felt slightly confused. Like any other day.

Today I'm watching M*A*S*H, season 1, disc 2. It's hot and my ceiling fan is panting like a sick dog. My dryer won't dry - it will tumble, but it won't heat, so it will take about 12 hours to dry my one load of laundry. My toilet won't flush and I'm too lazy to figure out why, so Chuck will have to do that later. Stupid rusty water.

It is 9:30pm and it's 90 degrees outside.

Anthony Bourdain is in China eating sheep stomach, getting cupped, and eating a 72 foot long noodle. Yes, 72 FEET. That's a helluva noodle. Now I want to go to a noodle house.

I'm spreading myself too thin. I have 3 journals and I'm just not talented enough to have something to write in all three of them. Although I could write one whole week about my feet and my obsession with digging my toenail out of my toe in case, MAYBE, I get a hangnail. I'm fearful of hangnails in my toes.

I'm pretty sure that when I had my wisdom teeth removed, they left pieces of the tooth in there and they just travel around inside my gums.

My bed is calling my name, and I'm listening with love in my heart.

Remember that game You Don't Know Jack? Just thought I'd mention it.

On to Big Brother. I hate Janelle. I liked her before because she was cute and seemed fairly intelligent. Now I hate her because she's playing a game based on vengeance and not strategy. Danielle is my favorite because she's a thinker, a strategist. From what I've seen on TV she isn't overly friendly with anyone. I'm not keeping track online of what goes on behind the scenes because I get too caught up. James is a favorite of mine too because he is a game player like Danielle. And though Mike and Will come across as goofballs, they are playing the game with a strategy as well. Why anyone in that house believes anything Will says is beyond me. I don't really feel either way about Howie. Kaysar is hot, but he's gotta go because he's partners with Janelle. And I like Chicken George because he's just a nice guy. Marcellis - he's great for the Drama Queen he is, but he's a terrible backstabber and has no noticeable strategy.

No one remembers Legless Eddie who won. How can you forget the amputee?!

I wish Nate had come back in, because he was too sexy for his shirt. I'm glad Alison got booted the first week because she's just annoying.

Julie Chen has turned into a little vixen! With her sexy hair and frou-frou clothes.

I wouldn't be surprised if Mike Booger or Will won. Not at all.

Two things I learned today: 1. Torrents are cool for finding albums online. 2. Torrents suck because they rarely work. Torrents find files available for download and then take pieces and parts from all of the "seed" files and download it to your computer. Which means when you have the file you become a "seeder" or something like that. Unless you delete the file after you download it, which makes you ... smart, in my opinion. But then there is less availability of the files. Anyway. Suck.

I'm a bit offended by the WTC movie that's coming out. I'm also offended that they won't let people take shampoo on airplanes. Until I get some details regarding this terrorist attack that was 'foiled' in London, I don't believe it. The government has us by the balls, people! We're trained to believe anything they say. I can't. I'm a born skeptic. I need facts before I can commit.

So the WTC movie. Is it supposed to be a tribute to the people who died and those who risked their lives and those who helped save people? I don't think it was necessary then. Damn, I'm getting so cynical and crabby in my old age.

Remember those Buster Brown shoes? I remember the picture of Buster Brown on the box, and even though I really wanted a pair of Buster Brown saddle shoes I could never get past the picture of that little winking bastard on the box with his idiotic dog. Buster Brown was the kid that all the teachers liked but had the idea that he was trouble. He would offer you his lollipop and then tell you he had just fished it out of the toilet. He would offer to push you on the swings and push a little too hard so you fell off. Buster Brown was bad news.

I never did get Buster Brown shoes. I had to get cheap shoes. Cheap shoes too big for my feet. The summer before my senior year in high school my Nana took me shoe shopping. The salesman asked what size and I said "Ten, wide". He measured my foot and I turned out to be an 8 1/2 wide. [That also worked with my bra size. I ended up a cup size bigger than the bras I was buying.]

Two things that you should have measured for you are definitely shoes and bras. Your comfort depends on it.